I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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