yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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