no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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