Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
