this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
