he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
