Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
