He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
