I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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