Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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