I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
