please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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