She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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