i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
