I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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