thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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