apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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