Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
