It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
