I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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