Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
