Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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