1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
