i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
