ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
