I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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