For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
