just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
