i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
