he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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