: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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