if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
a search helicopter?!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
