Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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