He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
