I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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