I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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