I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
