Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
