Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
