Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
