and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
