the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
