I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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