he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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