Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
