Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
we're so committed to being not committed
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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