I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
