6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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