Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
