Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
