No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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