oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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