I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
