What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
