mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
