Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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