I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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