i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
