I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My penis needs a shock collar
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
