the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
