im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
