the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
