You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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